Recognizing, Responding to ‘The Bloom Is Off the Rose’ Signals
How many times have you heard someone describing their shock and heartbreak upon having a partner declare the relationship is over?
An announcement they say they “never saw coming.”
Perhaps they should have.
Especially, if they knew what to look for.
Research and practical experience reveal signs and signals that the end is near — and how to reverse course.
Recognizing When ‘The Bloom Is Off the Rose’
Y. Park et al. (2021) examined signs of impending romantic breakups, and concluded lack of intimacy was one of the biggest predictors.
In a prospective longitudinal study, they examined, among other things, how lack of intimacy or meaningful connection to a paramour predicted breakup as well as post-breakup adjustment.
They found that people who perceived lower levels of reward during their relationship were more likely to experience dissolution, although also less emotional attachment to their ex post-breakup.
Yet if perceptions of reward during a relationship can have a significant impact on potential dissolution, the goal is to recognize how to maximize rewards and maintain a healthy and happy relationship on the front end.
The Importance of Emotional Intimacy
Park et al. (ibid.) note that one of the primary behavior motivators for human beings is “an innate desire for intimacy and belonging.”
They observe that emotional intimacy, such as experiencing connection, bonding, and love, is the most frequently cited reason people mention for desiring to remain in a romantic relationship.
Consequently, they observe that enhancing rewarding experiences may be key to maintaining quality relationships, which is important considering the amount of time couple therapy dedicates to reducing perceptions of threat and relational insecurities.
Not that those things are not also important to consider, but a key determinant of relational permanence is the degree of relational reward.
Park et al. (supra) note their results are consistent with findings from self-expansion perspectives demonstrating that engaging in novel activities that boost reward can positively impact relational intimacy and satisfaction.
They add to prior literature by showing that intimate connection may be critical to relationship longevity.
How do couples achieve and maintain it?
Here are some ideas:
Relational Rewards
Focus on Your Partner Not Your Past
People who have not experienced emotional intimacy in past relationships with paramours or parents may not know what interpersonal closeness feels like.
Open communication with your partner is a positive method of learning what he or she needs if you aren’t instinctively familiar with how to perceive, receive, and reciprocate love and support.
Happy Partner Happy Relationship.
Learn what your partner likes to do — and plan it.
Reciprocity starts with one party, prompting the other to respond in kind — ideally, with enthusiasm. Surprising your spouse by having a favorite meal ready at home or with a gift of concert tickets to see his or her favorite band demonstrates thoughtfulness and love, enhancing relational health and happiness.
Teambuilding Demonstrates Commitment
In the same way words like “I” and “We” transmit independence or togetherness, planning activities together demonstrate relational commitment and future orientation.
And as I have written about previously, planning future events with your partner boosts relational investment and commitment, and generates shared excitement to experience what the two of you are planning.
By remaining attentive to a partner’s needs, dreams, viewpoints, and responsiveness to suggested couple-time activities, partners can perceive and address issues before they threaten relational stability and satisfaction.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today and is used with the permission of its author.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of “Live with Dr. Wendy” on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick’s Reports — More Here.
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